Don’t Quit Your Day Job Oprah

I’ll be the first to admit that I was a bit skeptical when they hired Sigourney Weaver to narrate the multi-zillion dollar nature series Planet Earth.  Not because of the usual “They should hire real voice talent, not celebrities” reason that we all have whined about at some point or another, but because I thought she might be a bit distracting.  A good nature documentary narrator has to kind of blend into the background and almost become a disembodied voice in your head.  If they chew the scenery too much it detracts from the real star, the visuals.  I was afraid I would keep thinking, “Hey, that’s that chick from Alien!” or at least “Man, Ghostbusters 2 really paled to the original in so many ways.”

I was dead wrong.  As most anybody who has watched the series can attest to, she freaking rocked it.  Hard.  She put in the perfect amount of emotion without going over the top and gave an absolutely stellar performance which added a whole new level of awesome to the shows.  I have had fairly unhealthy feelings about my HDTV (not to mention Ms. Weaver) ever since.  It was just that beautiful.  I’m seeking help.

When they announced the followup series “Life” I was psyched to hear her do her thing again.  Then I saw the commercials telling us Oprah (praise be unto her) would be behind the mic for this one.  I tried to suppress my outrage and remind myself how I had originally felt about their first casting choice and tried to look forward to it.  Even after catching some of the extended preview commercials with O’s cringe worthy narration I still gave her the benefit of the doubt.  And then I saw/heard it.  Yikes.  She stunk up the place something fierce.1

I don’t really want to talk about it.

So why was she cast in the first place?  Because Discovery Communications is in bed with her and her new Oprah Winfrey Network (OWN).  The full (exhaustive, but interesting) story can be read HERE.

Now Discovery’s TLC has inked a deal with she-beast Sarah Palin to host her own Alaska themed reality television show for the network.  TLC went waaaay downhill a long time ago (anyone remember the last time you could actually learn something on The Learning Channel?) and now their shows feature almost exclusively boring but somewhat shorter people or boring people who breed like it’s going out of style with their boring litters of white kids.  Word on the street is that gargoyle queen Palin herself will be offering commentary/narration throughout this new travesty.  Why they think anyone would want to tune in and listen that harpy caterwaul about caribou2 is beyond me.

At least the History Channel still has some offerings worth tuning in to.  For now.  I say give em’ three years or so and they are going to pick up Tila Tequila to host their new WWII docs.

Hey guys, do us all a favor, poor Mike Rowe is overworked so stick with J.V. Martin and Robert Lee.  I know where to find them.  If you need me, I’ll be watching PBS.

1. My mother is never going to speak to me again for this.
2. Gotta love that alliteration.  Truly the mark of a gifted scribe.